Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.

Love Does Not End With Death

Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief-a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.
No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. As you read through this article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

Talk About Your Grief

During the holiday season, don't be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring your grief won't make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen-without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.

Be tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits

Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate Unnecessary Stress

You may already feel stressed, so don't overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize also that merely "keeping busy" won't distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be With Supportive, Comforting People

Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings-both happy and sad.

Talk About the Person Who Has Died

Include the person's name in your holiday conversation. If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.

Do What Is Right for You During the Holidays

Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays. Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do. Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend.
Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.

Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings

Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time. This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens. Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened. As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's alright to cry. Memories that were made in love-no one can ever take them away from you.

Renew Your Resources for Living

Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life. The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life-past, present and future. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation. Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

Express Your Faith

During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs. Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs. If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony. As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don't let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.

Related Resources

• Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal (book)

Copyright 2007, Center for Loss and Life Transition

Industry says Move Manager....Real life says Go To Resource!

In the few months since starting A Stress-Less Transition, LLC, I have met so many amazing people, and have received tremendous support, creating new referral partners, new clients, and new friendships.

Unfortunately, the families I’ve helped over the past few months, came to know of A Stress-Less Transition relatively late in the process. Their loved one passed away, they resolved all the legal and financial details, some returned to their out-of-state home but were at a loss for how to deal with “the stuff” left behind. Helping families sooner rather than later can save money, time and stress when a life event happens. Here are a few examples:

Older Adult Joe:  Joe, a widower with several medical conditions, moved to Florida from New York, narrowly escaping the wrath of Sandy.  He arrived before his furniture and representatives at the community he was moving into called to ask for help.  Joe's belongings were hastily (but carefully) packed by the movers.  How we helped:   Designed a floor plan/furniture layout based on the items Joe remembered being packed.  Guided the movers for furniture placement and unpacked nearly 40 boxes of his belongings.  Shopped for basic kitchen items since his new apartment had a kitchen.  Sorted and boxed up for donation many of Joe's beautiful suits, ties and shirts - all of which made the move and most would not be worn again.  Had Joe worked with a move manager before his move, the move would have been much less expensive and he could have enjoyed life in his new community sooner.  

Family A: Father passed away a year ago. Furniture and belongings were hastily put into storage causing damage to many of the pieces. Executors lived out of state and overseas. Had A Stress-Less Transition been contacted early on, arrangements would have been made for the items to be picked up, handled with care and sold for a profit. How we helped: Saved the family money by not having to make a trip to Tampa. Facilitated emptying of storeroom (thus ending the storage fees) with contents going to an auctioneer and furniture consignment shop, where items were repaired and sold. Also included data retrieval from computer. (Proceeds from sale of belongings covered expenses and with a small profit being returned to the estate.)

Family B: Mother passed away a few months ago. Daughter immediately listed the condo for sale but was left to clear it out since siblings lived up north. Daughter with medical condition made numerous trips to the dumpster and charitable organizations…and still had more to do. Emotionally overwhelmed and physically exhausted, she contacted A Stress-Less Transition. How we helped: Coordinated donation of clothes to Dress for Success, arranged for profitable sale of her mother’s treasures
(some of which daughter was ready to pitch), thus readying the property for showing much sooner. (Proceeds from the sale of belongings covered a portion of the unplanned death-related expenses.)

As you can see, we do more than just move seniors into retirement communities….We help alleviate the stress by handling all the details of a later-in-life transition. We are the go-to resource for the adult children who don’t know where to begin, aren't sure how to help their elderly loved ones or what to do with a houseful of belongings.

My hope is to continue educating others about how A Stress-Less Transition can help with whatever need an older adult or their family might have, including connecting them with professionals like attorneys, realtors, movers, insurance agents, bankers, etc.  

I am humbled by the support and grateful for the opportunities to help older adults and families.  Thank you!

Holiday Season Visits - a dose of reality?

Hard to believe it's mid-October already!  Many people are probably making plans for a holiday visit to see Mom, Dad, Grandparents, etc.

And for lots of folks, these visits only happen once a year (or less).  Sure they probably talk on the phone frequently (or occasionally), but there's nothing like seeing them in person and spending time together.  

For many, these annual visits aren't all "Norman Rockwell".  While Mom or Dad may sound good on the phone (or Skype), in reality, they may be struggling; seeing first hand that all really is not well.  Driving skills might not be as sharp as they once were.  Clutter and disorganization may be creating safety issues.  The house or yard might not be as meticulously kept as in the past.  Past Due notices and stacks of papers/bills are scattered about.  

Some might think, "He/She hasn't had an car accident, no need for me to discuss this now".  Others might assume that "Mom/Dad has been pretty good on the computer, I doubt there's any issue."  Someone else might say, "Dad's managed the medicines for both of them, I'm sure he's still got it under control."

Yes, it can be awkward....the children having "the talk" with their parents.  But it doesn't have to be.  Here is a wonderful website with many great tips and suggestions for "having the conversation":

  http://www.havingtheconversation.com/

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website.

A Doctor, Move Manager and Auctioneer

"A doctor, move manager and auctioneer walk into a bar..."

Ok, not really, but this is a true story about a gal named Sara, a doctor (Doc), A Stress-Less Transition and an auctioneer (Art).

Sara goes to see Doc and laments she is struggling with the death of her mother two months ago, no help from her brothers and is stressed out trying to figure out what to do with all the belongings on her mother's condo.

Doc says, "Sara, you need to call A Stress-Less Transition.  She will be able to help you."

Sara calls A Stress-Less Transition and schedules an appointment for a free consultation.  Since her mother's death, Sara had already made a huge dent in what needed to be done, making many trips to a local "big box donation center", food pantry and the dumpster.

But Sara was becoming very weary, overwhelmed with everything that still needed to get done, stressed about some of the expenses that hadn't been planned for, and at a loss for the best way to dispose of all the beautiful treasures profitably all the while keeping the condo in order for realtor showings.

One thing A Stress-Less Transition prides itself on is being able to find a good home for things.  Sara's mother was a sharp dresser with many lovely suits, dresses, and shoes. A Stress-Less Transition's knowledge of an organization that helps disadvantaged women by providing professional attire, made it an easy decision where Sara wanted the remaining clothes to go.

Sara wanted to clear out her mother's condo quickly (and profitably if possible).  A Stress-Less Transition explained the options.   A call was placed to Art the Auctioneer and he conducted a thorough review of the contents of the apartment.  At the end of the meeting, Sara was feeling very good about the plan that was put in place and that she would meet her goal of getting the place empty quickly and could make a few pennies to help cover some of the expenses.

Moral of the story:  Working with a senior move manager like A Stress-Less Transition EARLY on can help alleviate the worry, stress and overwhelming responsibility of figuring out what to do with a houseful of furniture, belongings but can also save lots of time and money.  The relationships a senior move manager has with people who can help get things done is so important for families in their time of need and crisis.

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website.

"Survey Says..."

In the words of the famous game show host, Richard Dawson, "Survey Says...".

But this post has nothing to do with the "Family Feud", Richard Dawson or any real life survey results.

This blog entry is about the number one comment I get from people when I tell them about A Stress-Less Transition.    

"Survey Says":  

Where were you x months ago when I was dealing with my relative???

Part of my responsibility as a member of the National Association of Senior Move Managers is to educate others on this relatively new industry.  We are dedicated to assisting older adults and families with the physical and emotional demands of downsizing, relocating or modifying their homes.  While the industry is new, the challenge of transitioning an older adult is not.  Helping to make people aware of all the services available to seniors is also an important part of our commitment.  

A Stress-Less Transition serves the Tampa area (Hillsborough, Pinellas and Pasco counties) and is a trusted resource for older adults and families.  Our mission is to alleviate much of the anxiety that naturally comes with a later-in-life move to a retirement community by handling all the details.  We also help families with the daunting task of figuring out what to do with a houseful of furniture and belongings when a loved one goes into a nursing home or passes away.  Taking care of the details of a transition is just one of the ways we can free up time for families to focus on their loved one.

We have built relationships in the Tampa Bay area with other senior-sensitive professionals (elder law attorneys, geriatric care managers, bankers, financial planners, Realtors, appraisers, etc.) who are experts in their fields and who can help older adults and their adult children.  We have also spent time learning about the many communities in the area (independent living, assisted living, memory care, etc.) as well as the many agencies that offer home care services (health, skilled nursing and companion care), in order to make informed suggestions.  

While every Senior Move Manager runs their business a little differently, there are people around the country dedicated to helping older adults and families.  To find a Senior Move Manager near you, please visit the NASMM website.  

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

Passwords

Seems like we have passwords for everything these days!  And while this cartoon seems to have solved the problem, this is probably not the best recommendation for a password choice.

The best passwords are combinations of letters, numbers and special characters.  For example using favorite words, sports, zodiac sign, pet name:

successful = $ucc3$$fu1

football = f00+b@11

aries = @r!3$

cats = c@t$

boomerang = b00m3r@ng!

It does take getting a little used to typing these combinations. But by using stronger passwords, it makes your online accounts more challenging to hack.

Safe computing!

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

"But I might need that!"

I recently completed a major transition of a three person household.  They were moving 300 miles away to be closer to family.

While the discussions about moving had taken place over four years, they were finally ready to make the move. Once the decision was made, it was full steam ahead to get their belongings identified, sorted, packed and/or donated or pitched.  (They lived in their single family home for about 12 years.)

Thankfully the extended family was very involved in the sorting/packing process.  But throughout our time together, the phrase "But I might need that!" was heard...frequently.

Adults of the GI generation are hesitant to part with things. They are a product of the Depression Era where everything was used, nothing gone to waste and things were kept, "just in case".  (There was no need to spend hard earned money if you had whatever that thing was around.)

Do you have things you're keeping around???  Here's an article/list to ponder:

  "116 Things You Need To Recycle, Donate orThrow Away This Year".  

(From Business Insider by Emily Co.)

1.   The other side of a pair of lost earrings

2.     Scraps of wrapping paper

3.      Cards people have given you with no sentimental value

4.      Receipts you don't need

5.      Ticket stubs

6.      Socks with holes

7.      Old t-shirts

8.      Leftover change

9.      Dried flowers

10.   Magazines

11.    CDs

12.   Hair elastics that have lost stretchiness

13.   Hair accessories you don't use

14.   Shoes that don't fit or that you don't wear

15.   Extra photo prints

16.   Little knickknacks (designate a bowl and fill it)

17.   Kitchen things you don't use

18.   Cooking utensils you have two of

19.   Tired bras

20.   Scarves you never wear

21.   Clothes that don't fit

22.  Gifts you don't like

23.  Old towels

24.  Old makeup

25.  Old toiletries

26.  Old or unused hangers

27.  Expired or sample-sized toiletries

28.  Extra buttons

29.  Expired sauces

30.  Toys your pets don't play with

31.   Expired medication

32.  Dried-up nail polish

33.  Bills you don't need to keep

34.  Expired coupons

35.  Old paperwork

36.  DVDs you don't watch

37.  Snacks your pets don't eat

38.  Damaged clothing you can't mend

39.  Stained clothing you can't clean

40. Old prom dresses

41.   Scratched nonstick cookware

42.  Old underwear or swimwear that's losing its stretch

43.  Outdated electronics

44. Rusty jewelry

45.  Stockings with runs

46. Pens that don't work

47.  Clothing you've outgrown

48. Necklaces and bracelets with broken clasps

49. Cables and wires you don't use

50.  Worn-out sheets and bedding

51.   Empty or near-empty bottles of cleaning products

52.  Old mending buttons for clothing you no longer have

53.  Worn-out bath mats

54.  Broken electronics

55.  Purses you never use

56.  Flatware, plates, and glasses that don't match the rest of your collection, plus dingy children's plates you no longer use

57.  Old pillows

58.  Worn-out shoes

59.  Wedding invites

60. Save-the-dates

61.   Wedding favors you don't use

62.  Old wallets that you don't use

63.  Broken kitchen equipment

64. Spare furniture parts you don't need

65.  Furniture manuals

66. Boxes

67.  Unused vases

68. Extra tupperware you don't need

69. Old mail

70.  Junk mail

71.   Travel brochures

72.  Bobby pins

73.  Old crayons or art supplies, plus markers that have run out of ink

74.  Random containers and jars

75.  Unused stationary, stickers, and sticky notes

76.  Ripped denim

77.  Old artwork or old children's artwork

78.  Used and ripped envelopes

79.  Broken or old iphone cases

80. Old unused batteries

81.   Extra and unused coffee mugs

82.  Old spices

83.  Address labels for your old house

84. Wrinkled ribbon and bows for gift wrap

85.  Cards or gifts from exes

86. Frequent shopper cards you never use

87.  Matchbooks

88. Old shopping bags

89. Old calendars

90. Old folders

91.   Magnets

92.  Clothes that are outdated or from college

93.  Broken Christmas decorations

94. Christmas lights that don't work

95.  Frayed towels

96. Expired food

97.  Computer cords, firewire cord, etc. that you don't use

98. Old and outdated software

99. CDs for old computer programs

100.  Old cell phones

101.  Hand-me-downs that you're guilt-tripped into  keeping

102.   Freebie or promotional t-shirts you never wear

103.  Old fortune cookie fortunes

104.  Old bank statements

105.  Old planners

106. Delete email subscriptions from sites

107.  Delete emails you don't need

108.  Delete unwanted music from your iTunes

109.  Extra buttons that come with newly purchased clothes

110. Games that are missing pieces

111. Old schoolbooks you'll never use again

112. Papers you have backed up on the computer

113.Books you've already read and don't want to display

114. Cell phone covers you're over

115.Old manuals to electronics

116.  Cell phone accessories you don't use anymore

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

Prepared?

Well, we are a few months into hurricane season.  Yes, we've had lots of rain in Florida lately, even a few brushes with some tropical storms.

And now a named tropical storm is heading in a westward direction.  We sit with our eyes glued to the TV, waiting for the next update from our favorite weather prognosticator.  Computer screens are filled with the latest spaghetti models of where Tropical Storm Isaac might be headed.  

Now would probably be a good idea to check your hurricane preparedness plan and those of elderly loved ones.  

Don't have one?

You might want to visit the American Red Cross's website for information on Disaster Preparedness Plan.

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

"A pair and a spare"

While helping a client downsize for a move into a retirement community, I was reminded of something my maternal grandfather, Gramps, used to say:  

"Have a pair and a spare!"  

As the father of two girls (and subsequently 4 granddaughters), I'm pretty sure he was referring to boyfriends.  

Nowadays it seems this phrase applies to "stuff".  For example, big box stores and buying clubs have made it very convenient to buy 2-packs of things (crackers, cereal, cleaning products, toothpaste, etc.)  And while it may seem like it's cheaper, think about how much it's "costing" in your own shelf-space/closets/pantries/garages to store those extras.  

I understand there are folks who may not live convenient to shopping so they need to stock up "while they are in town".  Or the people with families so large they do their weekly shopping at those well-known bulk stores.  But for the rest, there's some kind of store (*mart, drug store, grocery) that is close enough.

Don't get me wrong....I enjoy visiting those big stores. (I just don't have need or storage for a jar of mayo the size of a compact car.)

Here's an interesting article to consider:  "You probably have too much stuff."

But, there is one thing I will ALWAYS have a pair and a spare of:

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

Four retirees visit a bar

FOUR RETIREES VISIT A BAR

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired folks from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price…”

Thanks, BDJ for passing along.

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

"Oooohhhh, I'm telling.....she said the 'P' word!"

Many people cringe a bit when someone says a bad word, especially some of the four-letter variety.  (You know them, I won't repeat them.)  And there are some words where you don't even have to say the full word.  For example, the "F" word, the "C" word.  

For many, the "P" word is the worst of all!  I'll warn you now, I'm going to say it...

PLAN

If you have kids, you have to "plan" your day around their school schedule and after school activities.  If you work, perhaps you have to "plan" your route and daily activities.  You have to have a contingency "plan" when something doesn't go right.  And not everyone is a planner!  

But when it comes to fun things, we LIKE to plan!  We make travel plans.  We like to plan parties and events.  And there are plans when building or renovating a house.  

We talk about "planning for the future" with investments, estate plans, etc.  Do you have your plan in place?  Do you know where your birth certificate, social security card, will, living will, power of attorney, health care surrogate and power of attorney documents are?  Do the older adults in your life know where theirs are?

You may not have a full-blown, detail-by-detail plan in place for your future.  And we never know when we are going to get "the call".  But it's probably a good idea to have your important documents in a safe place so that when the time comes, someone will be able take care of things.

If you need help with preparing those important documents, contact us for recommendations.

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

Slow decision-making can be costly!

"Slow and steady" may win the race, but taking too long to make decisions can be costly!

Older adults especially, have a difficult time making decisions.  Dealing with overwhelming emotions of leaving their home of many years, the health and care of a loved one, and all the details associated with a move can leave some "paralyzed".  

These delays in decision making can be costly - not only financially but also missed opportunities.

A family found a retirement community, close to relatives, that would welcome their unique situation.  But "it just wasn't the right time" and they did not commit when they had the opportunity.  

When the family got serious about looking for a place, they picked up where they left off, with the community that would welcome them.  Unfortunately, the retirement community had been sold!   And the new owners had different restrictions/requirements; thus the whole family would no longer be welcome.  

By working with A Stress-Less Transition, this family is back 

on track.  Through our network of researched resources, the family will have a new home very soon.  

Hopefully.

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website. 

To Keep or Not To Keep?

Contrary to the person in the cartoon, I don't like to keep papers any longer than I have to.

At the end of the year when it comes time to clear out a year's worth of bills, statements, receipts, etc. and prepare for taxes, I can never remember what's important to keep...and for how long.

Here is a handy checklist.

(Please be sure to check with your financial or accounting professional for any questions you might have.)

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website.

"Why does Grandma smell funny?"

For some people, especially children and grandchildren of the GI Generation, the thought (or in this case "whiff") of Grandma or Grandpa may send them running for the hills!


We all have our own 'fragrance'  and the results of a study on "smelling our age" were released recently.  (Turns out middle-aged men are the most odoriferous.) 


But that's not the smell I'm referring to.  I'm talking about MOTHBALLS!  It's one of those things that when you say the word, you instantly know the smell.  (Not pleasant!)


Back in the day (1906 to be specific), someone got the bright idea the chemical naphthalene could be formed into balls and stored with clothes to keep the moths away. 


And because our parent's parents and their parents used them, "By golly, I'm going to too!"

With the advent of air conditioning in our homes, etc. most people don't use mothballs anymore.  Mothballs are a neurotoxin and have been found to be carcinogenic.

Many of us would rather avoid telling a loved one they smell funny and just suck it up.   

So now, you are armed with information and can hopefully help them understand it is dangerous to have these chemical balls in their home.  Time to get the mothballs out, wash the clothes and get everyone back to smelling rosy again.  

For more information on how A Stress-Less Transition, LLC can help you or an older adult, please visit our website.